All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Simpsons

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Simpsons



Remember when Bart and Lisa hugged the TV because it had spent much more time raising them than either of their parents? That's exactly how I feel about The Simpsons. They are one of two things the world stops and starts for, the other being Legend of Zelda. (Of course, that just begs the question, What do you do when you're playing Zelda and The Simpsons comes on? It's a life-altering decision).

I had two fathers: Homer, and Super Mario, and just about every punk band I listen to would be the mother in this strange triumvirate of parenthood. I learned far more life lessons from them than my actual parents could ever hope to teach me. I just pray that when or if I ever have children there's someone as wise as Homer to raise them for me, because lord knows I'll be far to busy watching The Simpsons and playing Legend of Zelda to pay attention to any kids at all. But I don't mean to imply the other Simpsons had no hand in raising me, however. I get philosophy from Lisa, practical advice from Marge, and really dumb ways to have fun from Bart. Even Maggie taught me how to use a gun, which is something every infant should know. Just make sure you only use it against greedy billionaire supervillains and mobsters.

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Puberty
This is basically when kids first start asking questions beyond crap like, "Why is the sky blue?" and, "What was so great about the Great Depression?" Some kids learn about it in school, but I learned about from Troy McClure and Fuzzy Bunny.

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Then the inevitable "Where do babies come from?" pops up. Homer had the answer. Trust me, I was far more traumatized than Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
Women
My uncle once told me to never ask a woman how old she is and never never ask a woman if she's pregnant, no matter how pregnant she looks. Yeah, those were words to live by, but they were no match for Homer's sound logic.

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Then Bart and Milhouse taught me the "bros before hos" philosophy, which, unfortunately, doesn't work out too often in real life.

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The path to inner peace.

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Lisa asked Bart the age-old Koan: If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around does it make a sound? To which Bart answered, "Sure it does!" and he proceeded to make the sound of a falling tree. "But Bart, how does sound exist if no one's around to hear it?" Bart's reaction (and my own)?

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Have there ever been any moments that hit me as hard as this? Well, yes, but not many. This is the brilliance of it all. Just about every valuable lesson in life was once taught on The Simpsons. A typical conversation by me might go like this: Say I'm trying to explain to someone the essence of desire. I'll cite an episode of The Simpsons in which Lisa referred Bart to Maggie's fixation with a rattle. But when Lisa picks up a ball, suddenly Maggie drops the rattle and wants the ball. When Lisa turns back to Bart she finds him jumping up and down going, "Gimme the ball! C'mon, I want the ball! Let me play with the ball!" And that right there is a simple example of the human tendency for desire: we always want that which we don't have. The best part is, the easiest way to explain it is to refer back to the greatest TV show ever made.

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Inner peace continues:

Get more possessions and if that doesn't work, just threaten your spirit guide until he gives you inner peace. You may have heard it said that violence doesn't solve problems. Wishful thinking. Violence stopped Hitler and, um, I guess that's it, but the point is, peace is always just out of reach. The best way to get it is the bayonet, not the olive branch, like Homer's commanding officer said before he accidentally fired him out of a torpedo tube causing the military to think that he defected and was trying to destroy capitalism.
	Also, if for whatever reason you decide to don fir coats and do that weird Russian leg dance with a bottle of vodka in hand, try not to get a picture taken of it happening. It'll most likely come back to haunt you.

Language

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They're all perfectly cromulent words. Diet The lesson is, don't ever go on a diet. If you wanna lose weight, the best way is probably exercise.
Politics

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Human behavior

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A good explanation for George Bush's behavior.

Honestly, have you ever encountered people who are just jerks? Matt Stone and Trey Parker's Team America elaborates on the subject: Essentially, the world is divided into three groups of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Dicks fuck pussies, but the also fuck assholes. But sometimes dicks fuck too much, and it's the job of pussies to keep them from overfucking. But a pussy all too often transforms into an asshole. (After all, a pussy is only an inch-and-a-half away from an asshole). And all assholes want to do is shit all over everything. That's the job of the dick, to fuck the asshole so it doesn't eventually turn the world into one big glob of shit. Homer (like Bush) is obviously an asshole. It's too bad there aren't any dicks around to stop either of them (well, in Homer's case, that's a good thing because he's funny).

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[ندعوك للتسجيل في المنتدى أو التعريف بنفسك لمعاينة هذه الصورة] Why do robots go bad? [ندعوك للتسجيل في المنتدى أو التعريف بنفسك لمعاينة هذه الصورة]

There's your answer. And in case you, like most people, are lame, and can't figure out what's going on in the above cartoon, the guy in the tree was controlling the robot. When Bart threw the apple at him the robot reverted to his default configuration: crush, kill, destroy.

I used to wonder why the terminators and Matrix robots are so evil. I got my answer. It's because every robot's default setting is "crush kill destroy." Now if only someone would tell me why the Matrix robots used human bodies as a source for power as oppose to something much more logical like, say, nuclear power, then we'd be set. I mean, they're robots. Wouldn't they do something a little more intelligent? Also throw in an explanation as to why Arnold Shwarzenegger killed the TX by self-terminating at the end of Terminator 3 even though at the end of Terminator 2 he not only explained but also demonstrated that Terminators can't self-terminate. And just for clarification, I'd also like to know who green-lighted Alien VS Predator, made it PG-13, and then decided a sequel should be made. Too bad The Simpsons can't explain everything.

Don't drink milk. It's flammable. Many other things explode for no reason, even when submerged in water. Death Grandpa Simpson's preferred method of euthanasia is to to die listening to the Glenn Miller Orchestra while watching cops beating up hippies.

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Personally, I'd settle for a ninja dropping from the sky and dicing me with kitana blades, but if that doesn't work out, I'll settle for Grandpa's choice. And if that doesn't work out, I at least want my body to be launched into the air so that it's buried by the landing impact. Those are my dying wishes. There better be some awesome aspect of my death. None of that crushed-by-a-chandalier or fell-in-a-sinkhole crap. Wouldn't you love to tell people in heaven that your death was gory and spectacular? I once heard about a guy who got on the Superman ride at Six Flags. The train goes up, but his seat doesn't lock in. When it gets to the top, he just keeps on going. I certainly hope he put his fist up in imitation of Superman just for shits and giggles. Man, that must've been awesome.

The closing statement If you ever go back in time, don't touch anything because even the slightest change might alter the future in ways you can't possibly imagine.